The boys are asleep upstairs and I just wasn't ready to turn in for the night yet (which is crazy since we've been running around crazy the past few days, I could use the rest) so I decided to come downstairs for some "me time." "Me time" certainly is elusive since Julian was born. Lately it's consisted of stolen seconds to respond to emails or personal hygiene matters. From what I am hearing, it is a mother's constant battle to balance her time to get some time for herself and this imbalance I am going through is quite normal. I don't know if "imbalance" is the right word- maybe "absence" would be more fitting, but "imbalance" feels right at about 10:27 PM so I'm going with it.
A few weeks ago, during a hormonal roller coaster ride and an intense need to go to sleep on the kitchen floor, I was explaining to Thad my time pie chart. If the entirety of my time is 100%, Julian takes up about 90% of that (if not more). I need to split the remaining 10% between the dogs, the cats, Thad, house chores, and myself. Before I had Julian, between reading a ridiculous amount of "when baby arrives" literature, and seeing what has happened to countless women before me, I vowed to take care of myself. Especially after the labor we went through, I couldn't afford not to take care of myself if it would have a negative impact on my ability to care for Julian. During my first couple weeks postpartum I was quickly realizing that I couldn't afford to always put others first if I was going to recover smoothly and safely.
I have always been the type of person to put others first and I realize that has left me with the short-end of the stick many, many times. Thad says that becoming a mother has enabled me to speak up for myself more and be more of a self-advocate. I don't know if this is a good thing, especially when I need to be dedicating myself to Julian and helping him thrive. It is incredibly hard not to throw everything I have- and then some- into this little baby, but if I don't learn to figure out how to keep something for myself I just don't know what will be left. I found this quote during some bopping around on the Interweb...I found it to be quite accurate to how I'm feeling right now:
"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh
I envy the woman who jumps into motherhood as easily as a monkey jumps from a branch. It's not easy and yet it's the most incredible adventure I've ever begun.