I admit, I have had a harder time bonding to this baby/pregnancy than I did with Julian. With the first everything is so new and wonderful. "Sweet! I have heartburn!" This time around, between chasing around Julian and changing care providers at 24 weeks, it's been a lot more emotional and tiring than I expected and haven't basked in the 'wonder' of it as much this time. Physically, last time I don't remember having aches and pains this soon but then again, my body is a lot different now. While I've been doing very good with my diet (this time around I am not using pregnancy as an excuse to eat copious amounts of chocolate cake), I haven't been to yoga or water aerobics nearly as often as I did with Julian.
The biggest obstacle I've had in bonding with this pregnancy is the impending birth. Why am I so obsessed with the birth when it's still so early in the pregnancy? Well, sooner or later this baby is going to come out and after what happened with Julian, up until last week I was having a tremendous amount of anxiety about this baby's birth. Because I had a c-section with Julian, finding a care provider who will actually support me in an attempt of a vaginal birth after c-section (VBAC) has been tricky. Between the different methods of prenatal care offered in this country (obstetrical versus midwifery) and the varying information available for pregnant women, it's no wonder the rate of VBACs have fallen dramatically in the past 8 years. After interviewing multiple care providers (and leaving a practice that, we feel, totally wronged me) we have decided on a wonderful midwife to help us bring this baby into the world. Ever since we switched to her care, I have felt a major weight lift off of me and I am finally ready to embrace this baby and pregnancy, and between her and my amazing doula we have a supportive team to help us with our plan.
This week I was so nervous because I wasn't feeling the baby move all that much. I know my placenta is posterior so I knew at least I should be able to feel his movements on my belly but I was hoping to feel more. Last night, however, he started moving tons and tonight at yoga I think he was doing the yoga with me! He especially loved child's pose.
With each breath I take and each beat of my heart, this baby is growing. What an amazing sensation! Inside me is a nectar of bliss that not only is nourishing my soul and bringing me joy but is also growing a life that was sprung from the love between me and my soul mate and best friend. I look forward to falling in love all over again. I look forward to holding his hand, smelling his skin, and knowing that this tiny being could destroy me with a smile. He is mine and I am his and together we shall spread our ecstasy. This is truly my Heaven.